Got Jealousy?

By Kristin Denton

What do humans and the frilled lizard have in common? Well, when we’re afraid,
we both puff out our faces and ears and try to act really, really scary. The fear in
jealousy is so strong that it can sometimes make us humans react to situations like a frilled
lizard, just to make sure that our partner gets the point that we don't want them to stray.

And how many times has that frilled lizard look ever made your beloved admire you more?
Probably not many...

People use the word ‘jealousy’ as a feeling, but Marshall Rosenberg, the creator of
Nonviolent Communication (www.cnvc.org) would probably argue that it’s a thought.

For example, ‘abandoned’ is a thought -- it’s your negative evaluation of somebody
leaving you. But what if the IRS abandoned you and your audit? Is that necessarily
negative? No.... so ‘abandoned’ is an evaluation of, or thought about, somebody
leaving you.

In the same way, ‘jealousy’ isn’t really a feeling – it’s a thought. The event may be
your beloved paying attention to somebody else in a way that you think means s/he may
leave you (or that they love another person more than you). It’s the meaning that we
attach to the event that we label ‘jealousy.’

The true feeling underneath jealousy is usually fear--that your beloved will leave
you for another person. And fear is usually uncomfortable, if not downright painful.
It awakens our limbic brain (the reptilian brain) and puts us in a fight or flight mode.
We yell, we threaten, we puff out our ears and try to look real scary and go, “Bwah!
Bwah!!” And generally look real stupid.

So, when you feel triggered by the fear that underlies jealousy, it would help to call
it what it is. Call it fear. Say to your partner: “Honey,

(Observation) “When I saw you talking to your ex this evening...

(Feelings) “I felt frightened...

(Needs) “Because I have a need for emotional safety in this relationship.

(Request) “Would you be willing to tell me truthfully if you’re falling back in love
with her?”

Those are the four steps to speaking honestly using Nonviolent Communication. It’s
scary to put your heart out to your beloved and expose yourself as being afraid.
Most people don’t like to admit they’re scared. But isn’t it a lot better than
fighting like a frilled lizard with your lover? Asking the question in the nonviolent
manner doesn’t imply that your lover did anything wrong. You’re taking full
responsibility for the feeling of fear, not blaming them for having done anything ‘bad.’

And, of course, this is just one way to ask one little question about your feelings of
jealousy. It may be useful to sit and look at where in your life somebody did leave you
(or worse, didn’t love you but didn’t leave you, either). Those old wounds may be coming
up now for you to look at, but your present lover may not be doing anything out of line.

And always give your inner reptilian brain--your inner frilled lizard that puffs out its
cheeks and tries to look scary--a lot of love. You developed that response because at
some time you had a beautiful need for safety in a relationship and your frilled lizard
is just trying to protect you.

Paul Sterling and Kristin Denton facilitate communication skills workshops through their
company, The Language of Peace. Paul has taught communication skills for governments,
businesses, schools, & prisons. He trained with Marshall Rosenberg, the creator of
Nonviolent Communication (http://www.cnvc.org). Kristin has taught English and workplace
communication skills in the public schools and for businesses. She trained with the
NVC Training Institute.

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relationship jealousy