Got Jealousy?

By Kristin Denton

What do humans and the frilled lizard have in common? Well, when we’re afraid,
we both puff out our faces and ears and try to act really, really scary. The fear in
jealousy is so strong that it can sometimes make us humans react to situations like a frilled
lizard, just to make sure that our partner gets the point that we don't want them to stray.

And how many times has that frilled lizard look ever made your beloved admire you more?
Probably not many...

People use the word ‘jealousy’ as a feeling, but Marshall Rosenberg, the creator of
Nonviolent Communication (www.cnvc.org) would probably argue that it’s a thought.

For example, ‘abandoned’ is a thought -- it’s your negative evaluation of somebody
leaving you. But what if the IRS abandoned you and your audit? Is that necessarily
negative? No.... so ‘abandoned’ is an evaluation of, or thought about, somebody
leaving you.

In the same way, ‘jealousy’ isn’t really a feeling – it’s a thought. The event may be
your beloved paying attention to somebody else in a way that you think means s/he may
leave you (or that they love another person more than you). It’s the meaning that we
attach to the event that we label ‘jealousy.’

The true feeling underneath jealousy is usually fear--that your beloved will leave
you for another person. And fear is usually uncomfortable, if not downright painful.
It awakens our limbic brain (the reptilian brain) and puts us in a fight or flight mode.
We yell, we threaten, we puff out our ears and try to look real scary and go, “Bwah!
Bwah!!” And generally look real stupid.

So, when you feel triggered by the fear that underlies jealousy, it would help to call
it what it is. Call it fear. Say to your partner: “Honey,

(Observation) “When I saw you talking to your ex this evening...

(Feelings) “I felt frightened...

(Needs) “Because I have a need for emotional safety in this relationship.

(Request) “Would you be willing to tell me truthfully if you’re falling back in love
with her?”

Those are the four steps to speaking honestly using Nonviolent Communication. It’s
scary to put your heart out to your beloved and expose yourself as being afraid.
Most people don’t like to admit they’re scared. But isn’t it a lot better than
fighting like a frilled lizard with your lover? Asking the question in the nonviolent
manner doesn’t imply that your lover did anything wrong. You’re taking full
responsibility for the feeling of fear, not blaming them for having done anything ‘bad.’

And, of course, this is just one way to ask one little question about your feelings of
jealousy. It may be useful to sit and look at where in your life somebody did leave you
(or worse, didn’t love you but didn’t leave you, either). Those old wounds may be coming
up now for you to look at, but your present lover may not be doing anything out of line.

And always give your inner reptilian brain--your inner frilled lizard that puffs out its
cheeks and tries to look scary--a lot of love. You developed that response because at
some time you had a beautiful need for safety in a relationship and your frilled lizard
is just trying to protect you.

Paul Sterling and Kristin Denton facilitate communication skills workshops through their
company, The Language of Peace. Paul has taught communication skills for governments,
businesses, schools, & prisons. He trained with Marshall Rosenberg, the creator of
Nonviolent Communication (http://www.cnvc.org). Kristin has taught English and workplace
communication skills in the public schools and for businesses. She trained with the
NVC Training Institute.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Kristin_Denton

relationship jealousy

Advantages of Being Single

Relationship jealousy


Advantages of Being Single


So many people are depressed, sad, and lonely because they don't
have somebody.

They think that once they finally find someone, they will be happy
- they will have no troubles. Well I'm writing this for all of you
people today.

It may be true that having someone can help add to your happiness
and fulfillment. I believe that can occur and does occur when you
find the right person that suits you.

But I can also recall a lot of people that are in relationships and
they are miserable. They're not happy at all. In fact, it's like
they are in prison. Many of them are trapped and they'd give
anything to be single. They'd give anything to be in your shoes
today.

This newsletter gives guys great tips for picking up and meeting
women. Yes, there are advantages of being in a relationship, but I
want to point out to you today some of the great advantages of being
single.

- You can do whatever you want, whenever you want. No questions
asked. No guilt about doing it either. You don't have to make
excuses. You don't have to call your girlfriend to check in on her
or ask her permission to go somewhere.

- You can fool around with as many women as you want.

- You can have a lot of fun.

- You can go out to places that you otherwise couldn't go to if you
had a girlfriend.

- You can have fun and spend time with your friends. A lot of
married people don't have a lot of time to spend with their friends
anymore.

- You can really focus on your career, education, fitness, and
goals.

- You have time to improve yourself and become a better person.

- You are free. You don't have anything holding you down or back.

- You don't have to listen to any bitching.

So the next time you start to get down because you're not dating
someone, remember to enjoy the time that you are single. Before
long you'll be married and settled down. Enjoy it while you can.

Another thing, once you do find someone to settle down with, know
that if you don't bring happiness into the relationship, you will
never be happy in that relationship in the long run. Don't depend
on someone else for your happiness - that is no way to live.

Only you are ultimately responsible for your own happiness.

Mark